Top Ten Christmas Lists (From The David Letterman Show)

[GaryMrMets]

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Late Show Christmas Party

10. "Can we go now?"

9. "Attention: please wash your paper plates and return them to the supply closet"

8. "Can we go now?"

7. "Okay, that comes to seventeen dollars a person"

6. "Hey, it's 11:30 -- turn on Leno"

5. "Is it okay to take Lipitor with whiskey?"

4. "For the love of God can we go now?"

3. "Christmas party? Sorry, Mr. Philbin -- don't know anything about a Christmas party"

2. "Do you want to throw in five bucks for the intern fight?"

1. "Why is Letterman here?"

Top Ten White House Christmas Traditions

10. String lights on Al Gore

9. Pentagon scientists bring over a few of their genetically
engineered elves.

8. Official reception for all new Clinton brothers discovered during past year

7. Send Christmas card with photograph of family having a great time in White House to George and Barbara Bush.

6. Special Hillbilly Santa with stringy beard and sack full of possum

5. Instead of burning a Yule log, they set fire to bundles of tax dollars.

4. Marine choir sings "Silent Night," while Senator Kennedy chugs bowl of egg nog.

3. One lucky elf gets to spend the night with Hillary.

2. Santa Packwood begs staff secretaries to sit on his lap.

1. Two words: Tipper nog.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the CBS Christmas Party

10. Look at Angela Lansbury ... 'Blotto, She Wrote'

9. I'm sorry I dozed off, Mr. Rooney. Now what were you saying about how hard it is to open milk cartons?

8. Oh my God, that was no pinata -- that was really Walter Cronkite!

7. No fair! Morley Safer's hogging the karaoke machine!

6. More fudge Mr. Kuralt?

5. The dwarf who plays Murphy Brown's baby is sure putting away the booze!

4. Every year it's the same thing -- Letterman has a couple of drinks and breaks out his fiddle (roll fiddler footage)

3. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is giving turn-your-head-&-cough tests in the back room!

2. Now there's a switch -- Mike Wallace is exposing himself!

1. They used our Christmas bonuses to pay that idiot Letterman!

Top Ten Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

5. Keeps heckling your lame list

4. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square

10. The Stocking Stuffer

9. Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer

8. Live on Stage! Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It!

7. The Night the Grinch Stole a Guy's Wallet on the D Train

6. Up Santa's Chimney (Santa storms out of theater)

5. Miracle on 69th Street

4. Frosty the Butt Man

3. Rotating Pies (roll footage)

2. The Nutcrackers

1. That Ain't Egg Nog!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House Christmas Party

10. It's so nice to have a president who can play Santa without padding

9. I'm sorry, Miss. There's no 'Paula Jones' on the guest list

8. You make an adorable elf, Mr. Stephanopoulos

7. Hey, who invited Nipsey Russel?

6. So what are you doing to pass the time these days, Ms. Elders?

5. Stand back -- Gore's gonna do a cannonball into the eggnog!

4. I've never seen a wreath made of French fries before!

3. Check it out! A bullet just shattered my punch glass!

2. See if Jimmy Carter can go 'negotiate' us another keg of brew!

1. This party sucks -- let's go to Newt's

Top Ten Movies Playing in Times Square This Christmas.

10. I Saw Mommy Nailing Santa Claus

9. Three Elves and a Little Lady

8. North Poled

7. Nude and Nuder

6. Won't You Guide My Pants Tonight?

5. The Little Drummer Boy Becomes a Man

4. Mrs. Claus and the U.P.S. Guy

3. Not-So-Tiny Tim

2. Jocelyn Elders Home Alone

1. Jingle This!

Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols

10. I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King

9. Boris The Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had An 86-Proof Nose

8. I'm Searching For The Real Killers With Every Round Of Golf I Play

7. Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going To Jail For One-To-Three

6. Influenza, Influenza, Influenza

5. O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie

4. Frosty The Crackhead Had A Crack Pipe Full Of Crack

3. I Have An Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum

2. O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty

1. Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants In A Cheap Hotel Room

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against
you at the embezzlement trial

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times

1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

[GaryMrMets]

Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols

10. Elmo roasting on an open fire

9. Come on it's lovely weather for a lap dance together with you

8. Every Christmas my uncle Louis throws up in the kitchen sink

7. I'm addicted to nasal decongestant

6. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a restraining order

5. May we see Richard Simmons, bite Santa's arm again

4. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, probably `cause we're all so full of gin

3. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to tell your parents you are gay

2. Hillary, Hillary, you're lucky you're not in prison

1. Joy to the world, their season's done, the Jets can lose no more

Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House on Christmas Day

10. Hey Gore -- more gravy at Table 3!

9. Come to the window, Bill -- the carolers are singing the McDonald's jingle

8. Doesn't Stephanopoulos make a cute little elf?

7. Call 911! The President's got a gingerbread house lodged in his throat

6. It's my two favorite reindeer: Prancer and Lap-Dancer

5. Keep Ted Kennedy away from the ornaments -- after a couple of martinis, he thinks they're candy

4. What a thoughtful gift -- you had all my subpoenas framed!

3. Daddy, I know it's you behind that beard -- you're too fat to be Santa

2. I can tell the President didn't get what he wanted because Hillary's still here

1. Bring on the Yuletide hookers!

Top Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q-Tips"

9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper

8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps

7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney

6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap Bastard"

5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the Home Shopping Network

4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford

3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam

2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed

1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party

10. Eggnog smells suspicously like Liquid Paper.

9. Anyone caught under mistletoe gets choked by Latrell Sprewell.

8. Because of "corporate downsizing," Santa is only 120 pounds.

7. Only food available is something called "reindeer kebabs."

6. Last time you saw this much sucking up was on the Tommy
Lee-Pamela Anderson videotape.

5. Christmas tree is just a fat intern in a green sweater.

4. For the 16th year in a row, the Canadian band leader has passed out in the eggnog.

3. Thanks to the alcohol-free punch, not a single ass gets photocopied.

2. Boss offers to give you a raise, and he's not talking about money.

1. It's held every year on July 23rd.

Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols

10. Deck The Halls With Useless Junk / Martha Stewart Made While SheWasDrunk! (Deck The Halls)

9. Rudolph The New York Mayor / Wore A Very Lovely Dress (RudolphThe Red-Nosed Reindeer)

8. Latrell Sprewell's Choking Santa Claus (I Saw Mommy Kissing SantaClaus)

7. McCaughey (McCoy) Septuplets / McCaughey Septuplets / We ForgetTheirNames (Jingle Bells)

6. We're Beginning To Get A Little Tired / Of Hearing Ellen's Gay (It'sBeginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas)

5. I'm Worried About El Nino / But Don't Know What The Hell It Is (WhiteChristmas)

4. We Forgot How This Ends / Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum (Little Drummer Boy)

3. We Wish We Were

2.

1.

Top Ten Reindeer Names Or Characters Played By Tony Danza Or Items On Saddam Hussein's Christmas Wish List

10. Tony
9. Tony
8. Tony
7. Dancer
6. Danza
5. Danzer
4. Tony/Tony (tie)
3. Anthony
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Danza
1. Mustache Comb

Top Ten Least Rented Christmas Movies

10. "'Twas 243 Nights Before Christmas"

9. "Frosty, the Anatomically Correct Snowman"

8. "Deuce Bistletoe: Male Mistletoe"

7. "The Grinch Who Sold Christmas On Ebay"

6. "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

5. "Yo Ho Ho! Dave Letterman's Rappin' Christmas"

4. Discovery Channel Presents: "Elf Autopsy"

3. "Let's See What Bing Crosby Looks Like Now!"

2. "Tiny Tim: Big Where It Counts"

1. "Yentl"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear The Morning After Your Office Christmas Party

10. "Man, you are one hairy son-of-a-*****."

9. "I've never seen anyone drink so much Xerox toner."

8. "You've got messages from your wife, her lawyer, the ASPCA, and both Siegfried and Roy."

7. "Hey, dude, thanks for the kidney."

6. "Thanks to you, now I know I'm gay."

5. "Hey, dude, thanks for your other kidney."

4. "You should sue the hell out of whomever posted those photos on the web."

3. "Until you, no one had the guts to call Steinbrenner a bastard to his face."

2. "What time this morning did the paramedics dislodge the stapler?"

1. "Security! He's back!"

[GaryMrMets]

More Christmas Top Tens, from the David Letterman show. Enjoy:

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Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids

10. "Remember me? I'm the kid with the weak bladder"

9. "You smell like supermarket gin"

8. "The real miralce on 34th Street would be if they accepted my mom's Mastercard"

7. "I want a 2004 Pontiac Aztek"

6. "Oh, by the way, if I don't get an X-Box, I'm gonna hunt you down, old man"

5. "I'm Jewish"

4. "I love you Kenny Rogers"

3. "Frankly I'm just here to humor my parents"

2. "While I'm talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses"

1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"

Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You

10. Your stocking is ticking

9. Every kid gets a candy cane, you get a ball of rusty barbed wire

8. He brings you a new car -- right through the living room wall

7. His expression doesn't seem to be "jolly" so much as "seething
and vengeful"

6. FBI bursts into your house saying, "We got a tip from Santa
Claus you're hiding Mullah Omar"

5. You're being stalked by an elf hitman

4. You spend ten minutes telling him what you want -- he
says, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"

3. Only item he leaves: a note reading "Your wife was great"

2. "Gift" he just gave you -- 2 weeks on a Disney cruise with
Trent Lott

1. His distinctive laugh: "Ho, ho, go screw yourself"

Top Ten Signs The Stress Is Getting To Santa

10. He's begun selling elves on e-bay

9. Giving every child in world a broken Slinky and a card that reads "Go nuts"

8. Complaining that he's a grown man "surrounded by midgets and red-nosed donkeys"

7. Yesterday in a quiet ceremony, converted to Islam

6. Has been making personal appearances wearing Mrs. Claus's red velvet gown

5. After first "Ho..." often trails off into silence

4. Long rambling addresses to elves about black helicopters

3. His "Christmas carols" contain a lot of rhymes with the word "Nantucket"

2. Violated longstanding agreement by outing Blitzen

1. He's down to 530 pounds

Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves

10. December 26th rolls around, and all of a sudden you're just another fat guy.

9. When Sam Donaldson asks if you've ever had an improper relationship with an elf.

8. It takes five security guards to pry Richard Simmons off your lap.

7. Dumb kids who keep asking, "Are you Kenny Rogers?"

6. I'm recognized by everyone, I'm beloved the world over, and I'm making $6.50 a damn hour.

5. The bastards make you work Christmas Eve.

4. It breaks your heart when Amish kids ask for a Nintendo that doesn't require electricity.

3. Mrs. Claus constantly reminding me that I don't have a job lined up for January.

2. Men who sit on my lap and sob: "All I want for Christmas is my wife back from Jerry Seinfeld."

1. Kids drinking egg nog all day, not enough bathrooms...you do the math, Chester.

Top Ten Things That Would Get Santa Claus Impeached

10. Posting naked pictures of his lap on the worldwide web.

9. Skipping his Christmas Eve duties "because it's 'E.R.' night."

8. The swing he took at his arresting officer on "Cops."

7. Dodging the I.R.S. for decades by spreading rumor that he doesn't really exist.

6. Having "improper relationship" with a Furby.

5. During off-season, renting his sleigh to heroin smugglers.

4. Letting Asian businessmen buy their way onto the "nice" list.

3. I could make a joke about candy canes and cigars, but for God's sake, let's just put this whole sordid mess behind us.

2. His idea of "elves" is just Santa's way of getting around child labor laws.

1. Turns out he's a Scientologist.

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With Santa Claus

10. She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop".

9. An elf comes by the house to drop off a pair of her earrings.

8. Your new baby has white hair and a beard.

7. She smells like a combination of peppermints sticks and reindeerchow.

6. Instead of mailing your children's letters to Santa, she juststuffs themin her bra.

5. Paramedics need jaws of life to get the two of them out of yourchimney.

4. Lately, she's been commuting to work in a flying sled.

3. She keeps saying, "Not tonight -- visions of sugarplums are dancingin myhead."

2. For Christmas, your kids receive something called, "TheYour-Daddy-SucksDoll".

1. During sex she shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!"

Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage

10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students

9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"

8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed

7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie

6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve

5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey

4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom

3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee

2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace

1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

Top Ten Things Overheard In Santa's Workshop

10. Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?

9. The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies...there's a tough gig

8. Hey Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you

7. You know Rudolph's 'naturally red nose'? Collagen injection

6. Uh-oh--looks like Fat Boy drank his lunch again

5. Shut down the assembly line for the 'Central Park West' action figures

4. Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house?

3. Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!

2. Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did

1. It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy

Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines

10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly

9. I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge'!

8. I've got something you can hang a wreath on

7. One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer

6. Buy you a Zima?

5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you

4. Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers

3. I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!

2. Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!

1. I've got an elf in my pants!

Top Ten Ways Santa Relaxes

10. Tours with his good buddy Jerry Garcia

9. Hint: It involves a bowling ball and ten elves

8. Carnival cruise with Kathie Lee

7. Does "Fat Odd Couple" with Marlon Brando at Tahiti dinner theater

6. Stuffs Mrs. Claus' stockings, if you know what I mean

5. Cuts costs for next Christmas by exchanging his stockpile of guns for toys

4. Has Arkansas State Police rustle him up some babes

3. Eats Cheetos until his entire beard is orange

2. Two words: Strip joints

1. Jacuzzi full of egg nog