milky_way
01-03-2003, 03:45 PM
New year could yield some wild outcomes
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By Sam Smith
Special to ESPN.com
Happy New Year! To all except those in the NBA.
For the greatest game invented by David Stern, it's almost the halfway point of the new year, or season, in the most exciting season ever, which it is (according to Stern) until next season, which really, really will be the most exciting season ever and certainly worth paying even more money for tickets. But let's restrain our excitement until then.
New Year's is a time for many things. It's time for Karl Malone and John Stockton to walk around with their sickles; it's time for Michael Jordan to resolve that just because he said 100 percent this time there's these guys who play at 110 percent so he could come back again if he really, really wanted to; and it's time for predictions.
Often there's much talk about aliens at a time like this, another marriage for Jennifer Lopez and just where Michael Jackson's nose will end up. But enough of the serious issues facing the world. It's also a good time to consider some things that could happen, though we're pretty sure they won't. Of course, who would have figured Regis Philbin would be president. What? He's not? You could have fooled me.
So here's some things that could happen in the NBA in this New Year. You never know. After all, last year the prediction was Ronald Reagan would come out of retirement to coach the Memphis Grizzlies. And it was close. So, as the Great One would have said -- the real Great One, Jackie Gleason -- away we go.
NBA champions: Portland Trail Blazers
Spurred on by a plea agreement that promises players can work in the prison library instead of the prison kitchen, "Blazers" players take on a new sense of motivation and dedication and sweep to the franchise's first championship in 25 years. Paul Allen tries to speak, but apparently has forgotten how.
Rookie of the Year: Amare Stoudamire
It appeared certain to be Houston's Yao Ming, but he decided to defect. It seems he decided to go where he could be surrounded by English-speaking people. Yao had said he had a case of the mumps and Cuttino Mobley said he understood because he had case of chablis.
Next team to rebuild: Chicago Bulls
With Tyson Chandler on the verge of turning 21, Bulls general manager Jerry Krause declares the team must begin a rebuilding. Krause says a team never can win with older players, and uses his annual lottery draft choice for the rights to Chandler's grandson.
Defensive Player of the Year: Glenn Robinson
Robinson says yes, he can dribble; and yes, he can pass; and yes, he can rebound; and no, he doesn't turn the ball over too much; and no, he really likes Ray Allen and George Karl and the Olympic selection committee, and everyone says, "Glenn, you're being too defensive."
Best Playoff Guarantee: Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks decide increase their payoff to season ticket holders if they miss the playoffs from $250 to $1,000 per person. But with attendance now down to about 12 per game, the team believes it can handle the $12,000 payout.
Diet of the Year: Chris Childs
The previously overweight Nets guard returns to the team and decides to celebrate with pizza dinner. Asked whether he'd like his pizza cut in six or eight slices, Childs says six because he's on a diet. He then agrees to be LeBron James' tutor to help him with his GED for high school. Flush with money from shoe companies, James then buys the NBA and declares himself MVP. Scouts gasp.
Rematch of the Year: Christie vs. Fox
While shooting a free throw, Doug Christie is attacked from behind by Rick Fox, who later says he thought he was auditioning for Rocky VII. Fox warns he's wearing boxer shorts and he knows how to use them. Christie is revived and when he comes to, says, "Didn't I have a hat on when I came in here."
Police Benevolent Man of the Year: Allen Iverson
In his acceptance speech, Iverson chooses to quote the late Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, who said, "The police are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve disorder."
Next dynasty: New York Knicks
They run off a three-game winning streak and city publications declare threepeat in effect.
Career change: Jason Kidd
Nets promise to get Kidd the disputed New Jersey U.S. Senate nomination if he'll re-sign with the team. Kidd says his first order of business will be to change the state license plate slogan of "What Died?" He then says everyone must change their underwear four times per day, and to assure they are, they must wear underwear on the outside. Byron Scott said he thought of that first and should be named coach of the year.
Next coaching resignation: George Karl
Karl decides to leave the Bucks citing illness and fatigue. Agrees everyone was sick and tired of him.
Pete Rose award: Eric Musselman
Told the odds of his team making the playoffs are 100-1, Musselman angrily wants to find out who that one guy was and straighten him out.
Scoring award: Denver Nuggets
Nuggets put their five starters in a gym and ask them to play five-on-none. After 15 minutes, they are ahead 5-0.
MVP: Toni Kukoc
Bucks continue to maintain they'll turn things around once Kukoc recovers from a broken finger. Nuggets warn teams to watch out for when Marcus Camby returns. Camby, though, checks into a hospital to avoid the middleman.
AARP award: Michael Jordan
Wizards basketball operations chief -- wink, wink -- declares anyone under 40 must be cut from team. Changes that to 39 when he gets up from his nap and watching old Lawrence Welk reruns and realizes he's not 40. Offers contract to George Mikan and says if Mikan can play when he's 80, he can play when he's 60.
Iron Man award: Vince Carter
Returns from six weeks out with a paper cut. Says he's determined to take the team to the playoffs, but first must attend graduation ceremonies for dog obedience school. Says he promised his poodle and he never breaks a promise to his poodle.
Carbon Dating award: Tie between Dikembe Mutombo and Arvydas Sabonis
Both agree to cryogenic procedure with Ted Williams.
Neatness award: Pat Riley
For adding two Butlers to go with his House. Ouch, that was bad. Riley thus orders me to practice for four hours. Says he's not really famous anymore and spends his time trying to get the Monkees back together because he never had time for that before.
Crazy Eyes award: Ron Artest
In stare down with Ricky Davis, Artest barely wins and gets to eat Davis' live pet chicken. Kurt Thomas appeals and Rasheed Wallace has a lively conversation with a bowling ball. Anthony Mason demands the ball from Wallace and says the ball has to come through him for success. All decide to read the poetry of Elden Campbell.
Separation of the Year: Jeanie Buss
With the Lakers still stumbling, Buss says she finds herself very attracted to Gavin Maloff. Or is it Joe? She forgets. And that Rick Adelman cuts a dashing figure, doesn't he?
Prediction of the year
Patrick Ewing says this is the season he and the Knicks will win the championship.
Hey, you never know. Whoever thought Shaq's goal this season would be to get rings for Samailia Samake and Jannero Pargo. Maybe that's the problem.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Sam Smith
Special to ESPN.com
Happy New Year! To all except those in the NBA.
For the greatest game invented by David Stern, it's almost the halfway point of the new year, or season, in the most exciting season ever, which it is (according to Stern) until next season, which really, really will be the most exciting season ever and certainly worth paying even more money for tickets. But let's restrain our excitement until then.
New Year's is a time for many things. It's time for Karl Malone and John Stockton to walk around with their sickles; it's time for Michael Jordan to resolve that just because he said 100 percent this time there's these guys who play at 110 percent so he could come back again if he really, really wanted to; and it's time for predictions.
Often there's much talk about aliens at a time like this, another marriage for Jennifer Lopez and just where Michael Jackson's nose will end up. But enough of the serious issues facing the world. It's also a good time to consider some things that could happen, though we're pretty sure they won't. Of course, who would have figured Regis Philbin would be president. What? He's not? You could have fooled me.
So here's some things that could happen in the NBA in this New Year. You never know. After all, last year the prediction was Ronald Reagan would come out of retirement to coach the Memphis Grizzlies. And it was close. So, as the Great One would have said -- the real Great One, Jackie Gleason -- away we go.
NBA champions: Portland Trail Blazers
Spurred on by a plea agreement that promises players can work in the prison library instead of the prison kitchen, "Blazers" players take on a new sense of motivation and dedication and sweep to the franchise's first championship in 25 years. Paul Allen tries to speak, but apparently has forgotten how.
Rookie of the Year: Amare Stoudamire
It appeared certain to be Houston's Yao Ming, but he decided to defect. It seems he decided to go where he could be surrounded by English-speaking people. Yao had said he had a case of the mumps and Cuttino Mobley said he understood because he had case of chablis.
Next team to rebuild: Chicago Bulls
With Tyson Chandler on the verge of turning 21, Bulls general manager Jerry Krause declares the team must begin a rebuilding. Krause says a team never can win with older players, and uses his annual lottery draft choice for the rights to Chandler's grandson.
Defensive Player of the Year: Glenn Robinson
Robinson says yes, he can dribble; and yes, he can pass; and yes, he can rebound; and no, he doesn't turn the ball over too much; and no, he really likes Ray Allen and George Karl and the Olympic selection committee, and everyone says, "Glenn, you're being too defensive."
Best Playoff Guarantee: Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks decide increase their payoff to season ticket holders if they miss the playoffs from $250 to $1,000 per person. But with attendance now down to about 12 per game, the team believes it can handle the $12,000 payout.
Diet of the Year: Chris Childs
The previously overweight Nets guard returns to the team and decides to celebrate with pizza dinner. Asked whether he'd like his pizza cut in six or eight slices, Childs says six because he's on a diet. He then agrees to be LeBron James' tutor to help him with his GED for high school. Flush with money from shoe companies, James then buys the NBA and declares himself MVP. Scouts gasp.
Rematch of the Year: Christie vs. Fox
While shooting a free throw, Doug Christie is attacked from behind by Rick Fox, who later says he thought he was auditioning for Rocky VII. Fox warns he's wearing boxer shorts and he knows how to use them. Christie is revived and when he comes to, says, "Didn't I have a hat on when I came in here."
Police Benevolent Man of the Year: Allen Iverson
In his acceptance speech, Iverson chooses to quote the late Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, who said, "The police are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve disorder."
Next dynasty: New York Knicks
They run off a three-game winning streak and city publications declare threepeat in effect.
Career change: Jason Kidd
Nets promise to get Kidd the disputed New Jersey U.S. Senate nomination if he'll re-sign with the team. Kidd says his first order of business will be to change the state license plate slogan of "What Died?" He then says everyone must change their underwear four times per day, and to assure they are, they must wear underwear on the outside. Byron Scott said he thought of that first and should be named coach of the year.
Next coaching resignation: George Karl
Karl decides to leave the Bucks citing illness and fatigue. Agrees everyone was sick and tired of him.
Pete Rose award: Eric Musselman
Told the odds of his team making the playoffs are 100-1, Musselman angrily wants to find out who that one guy was and straighten him out.
Scoring award: Denver Nuggets
Nuggets put their five starters in a gym and ask them to play five-on-none. After 15 minutes, they are ahead 5-0.
MVP: Toni Kukoc
Bucks continue to maintain they'll turn things around once Kukoc recovers from a broken finger. Nuggets warn teams to watch out for when Marcus Camby returns. Camby, though, checks into a hospital to avoid the middleman.
AARP award: Michael Jordan
Wizards basketball operations chief -- wink, wink -- declares anyone under 40 must be cut from team. Changes that to 39 when he gets up from his nap and watching old Lawrence Welk reruns and realizes he's not 40. Offers contract to George Mikan and says if Mikan can play when he's 80, he can play when he's 60.
Iron Man award: Vince Carter
Returns from six weeks out with a paper cut. Says he's determined to take the team to the playoffs, but first must attend graduation ceremonies for dog obedience school. Says he promised his poodle and he never breaks a promise to his poodle.
Carbon Dating award: Tie between Dikembe Mutombo and Arvydas Sabonis
Both agree to cryogenic procedure with Ted Williams.
Neatness award: Pat Riley
For adding two Butlers to go with his House. Ouch, that was bad. Riley thus orders me to practice for four hours. Says he's not really famous anymore and spends his time trying to get the Monkees back together because he never had time for that before.
Crazy Eyes award: Ron Artest
In stare down with Ricky Davis, Artest barely wins and gets to eat Davis' live pet chicken. Kurt Thomas appeals and Rasheed Wallace has a lively conversation with a bowling ball. Anthony Mason demands the ball from Wallace and says the ball has to come through him for success. All decide to read the poetry of Elden Campbell.
Separation of the Year: Jeanie Buss
With the Lakers still stumbling, Buss says she finds herself very attracted to Gavin Maloff. Or is it Joe? She forgets. And that Rick Adelman cuts a dashing figure, doesn't he?
Prediction of the year
Patrick Ewing says this is the season he and the Knicks will win the championship.
Hey, you never know. Whoever thought Shaq's goal this season would be to get rings for Samailia Samake and Jannero Pargo. Maybe that's the problem.