PopTop
01-09-2003, 05:33 PM
Astros Hot Stove Heater for Addicts
By Tung N. Cheek
2002 In Review:
What Went Right – Not much. Sure, Roy Oswalt, Lance Berkman, Octavio Dotel and Wade Miller had solid seasons, and the club did rebound after a horrible start to put themselves in contention for the playoffs as late as Labor Day. But in the end, the only thing that went right which really mattered was erasing the name Enron Field from the boondoggle of a publicly financed stadium.
What Went Wrong – An awful lot. Let’s start with the dumping of Houston legend Larry Dierker, the most successful manager in team history, in favor of Jimy “Second Place Is The Best I Can Ever Do” Williams. Then we go back to the offseason between 1997 and 1998 when the club protected Derek Bell over Bobby Abreu in the 1997 Expansion Draft. Youngsters Morgan Ensberg and Adam Everett proved to be more hype than anything else, at least for now.
In Retrospect, The Critical Decisions Were:
1. Deciding not to re-sign Moises “El Pollo” Alou in the previous winter. The perennial DL-Move-Waiting-To-Happen is the purest definition of a malingerer. It was upsetting to one fan who, though the fan considered Alou to be a lazy-butt, loved to harass Alou when he was with the Astros. But it didn’t really matter as the fan in question boycotted Astros games all year, marking the first time since the club’s inception back in 1962 that he didn’t attend a single Houston MLB game.
2. Changing the name from Astros Field to Minute Maid Park. After deciding to drop the controversial Enron from stadium sponsorship, the club opened the season playing in Astros Field. They were a dismal 15-13 at home on the morning of June 10th when owner Drayton “Grocery Supply Is My Life” McLane Jr. announced the stadium would be renamed Minute Maid Park. The club would go 32-21 at home the rest of the way. It had to be the new name, right?
3. Not having $1 hot dog night. I love those games.
Looking Ahead To 2003
Three Key Questions
1. Will a future accounting scandal at Coca-Cola, parent company to Minute Maid, mean that McLane will eventually have to consider my suggestion for the stadium’s name: Arthur Andersen Memorial?
2. How many times in 2003 will Jimy “The Lineup Juggler” Williams remove Oswalt from a game in which the Astros are ahead, later claiming, “His pitch count was at 79, and I just can’t risk wearing the boy’s arm out. Plus, when I walk to the mound I get to be seen by at least 30,000 people in the park and who knows how many on TV?”
3. Will the club allow new free agent Jeff Kent to wash his own pickup truck? (wink-wink)
Can Expect To Manage Better: Jimy Williams. I mean, could he manage any worse?
Can Expect To Manage Worse: Jimy Williams. After all, this is Jimy Williams.
Projected Lineup, JimyBall
1) Julio Lugo/Adam Everett/Craig Biggio/Jason Lane/Brian Hunter
2) Craig Biggio/Daryle Ward/Jason Lane/Jose Vizcaino/Brad Ausmus
3) Lance Berkman/Jeff Bagwell/Jeff Kent/Richard Hidalgo/Craig Biggio
4) Jeff Bagwell/Jeff Kent/Lance Berkman/Richard Hidalgo/Daryle Ward
5) Jeff Kent/Lance Berkman/Richard Hidalgo/Daryle Ward
6) Richard Hidalgo/Daryle Ward/Geoff Blum/Jason Lane
7) Geoff Blum/Morgan Ensberg/Brad Ausmus/Daryle Ward
8) Brad Ausmus/Gregg Zaun/Brian Hunter/Jason Lane
9) Probably a pitcher, but with Jimy you just never know
A Closer Look
If the offense hits around .280, walks more than they strikeout, pops 180-plus homers and has a 90% success rate stealing bases while the pitching staff keeps the team ERA around 3.20 with a 4:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio and never surrenders a lead after the 6th inning at the same time the team makes less than 60 errors on the season, and everyone stays healthy, I fully expect this team to be in the running for the postseason. I really hate going out on a limb like that, but that's my prognostication and I'm sticking to it.
By Tung N. Cheek
2002 In Review:
What Went Right – Not much. Sure, Roy Oswalt, Lance Berkman, Octavio Dotel and Wade Miller had solid seasons, and the club did rebound after a horrible start to put themselves in contention for the playoffs as late as Labor Day. But in the end, the only thing that went right which really mattered was erasing the name Enron Field from the boondoggle of a publicly financed stadium.
What Went Wrong – An awful lot. Let’s start with the dumping of Houston legend Larry Dierker, the most successful manager in team history, in favor of Jimy “Second Place Is The Best I Can Ever Do” Williams. Then we go back to the offseason between 1997 and 1998 when the club protected Derek Bell over Bobby Abreu in the 1997 Expansion Draft. Youngsters Morgan Ensberg and Adam Everett proved to be more hype than anything else, at least for now.
In Retrospect, The Critical Decisions Were:
1. Deciding not to re-sign Moises “El Pollo” Alou in the previous winter. The perennial DL-Move-Waiting-To-Happen is the purest definition of a malingerer. It was upsetting to one fan who, though the fan considered Alou to be a lazy-butt, loved to harass Alou when he was with the Astros. But it didn’t really matter as the fan in question boycotted Astros games all year, marking the first time since the club’s inception back in 1962 that he didn’t attend a single Houston MLB game.
2. Changing the name from Astros Field to Minute Maid Park. After deciding to drop the controversial Enron from stadium sponsorship, the club opened the season playing in Astros Field. They were a dismal 15-13 at home on the morning of June 10th when owner Drayton “Grocery Supply Is My Life” McLane Jr. announced the stadium would be renamed Minute Maid Park. The club would go 32-21 at home the rest of the way. It had to be the new name, right?
3. Not having $1 hot dog night. I love those games.
Looking Ahead To 2003
Three Key Questions
1. Will a future accounting scandal at Coca-Cola, parent company to Minute Maid, mean that McLane will eventually have to consider my suggestion for the stadium’s name: Arthur Andersen Memorial?
2. How many times in 2003 will Jimy “The Lineup Juggler” Williams remove Oswalt from a game in which the Astros are ahead, later claiming, “His pitch count was at 79, and I just can’t risk wearing the boy’s arm out. Plus, when I walk to the mound I get to be seen by at least 30,000 people in the park and who knows how many on TV?”
3. Will the club allow new free agent Jeff Kent to wash his own pickup truck? (wink-wink)
Can Expect To Manage Better: Jimy Williams. I mean, could he manage any worse?
Can Expect To Manage Worse: Jimy Williams. After all, this is Jimy Williams.
Projected Lineup, JimyBall
1) Julio Lugo/Adam Everett/Craig Biggio/Jason Lane/Brian Hunter
2) Craig Biggio/Daryle Ward/Jason Lane/Jose Vizcaino/Brad Ausmus
3) Lance Berkman/Jeff Bagwell/Jeff Kent/Richard Hidalgo/Craig Biggio
4) Jeff Bagwell/Jeff Kent/Lance Berkman/Richard Hidalgo/Daryle Ward
5) Jeff Kent/Lance Berkman/Richard Hidalgo/Daryle Ward
6) Richard Hidalgo/Daryle Ward/Geoff Blum/Jason Lane
7) Geoff Blum/Morgan Ensberg/Brad Ausmus/Daryle Ward
8) Brad Ausmus/Gregg Zaun/Brian Hunter/Jason Lane
9) Probably a pitcher, but with Jimy you just never know
A Closer Look
If the offense hits around .280, walks more than they strikeout, pops 180-plus homers and has a 90% success rate stealing bases while the pitching staff keeps the team ERA around 3.20 with a 4:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio and never surrenders a lead after the 6th inning at the same time the team makes less than 60 errors on the season, and everyone stays healthy, I fully expect this team to be in the running for the postseason. I really hate going out on a limb like that, but that's my prognostication and I'm sticking to it.