PopTop
07-30-2003, 03:52 PM
I found this mildly amusing. I just love that Boston saying, "Wicked awesome" ... Almost as good as a Brit saying something was "Magic"
by Jim Caple @ ESPN.com (http://msn.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/caple_jim/1587269.html)
Top 10 trades for the good of the game
Tell Billy Beane I'm in a meeting. Put Brian Cashman on hold. And send Pat Gillick through to my voice mail. I'm not listening to any trade offers. Acting in the best interests of baseball, I simply decree the following 10 transactions be made before Thursday night's deadline:
Clemens
1. The Yankees trade Roger Clemens back to the Red Sox so that Boston fans will once again cheer the greatest pitcher of our generation as "wicked awesome." The Rocket pitches Boston to the World Series, forgets all his past issues with Dan Duquette and announces that there is only one baseball cap he wants to wear on his Hall of Fame plaque for perpetuity. A Red Sox cap.
2. I strip Juan Gonzalez of his no-trade clause for vetoing the deal that would have sent him from last-place Texas to the wild-card contending Montreal Expos. The Rangers then trade him to Detroit to really experience losing while watching flyball after flyball being caught at the warning track 420 feet from home plate.
3. The Dodgers deal Rickey Henderson to the White Sox for Roberto Alomar because it's been a couple weeks since either player changed teams.
4. Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Larry Walker, Moises Alou and Rondell White are traded back to the Expos to even up things and send Montreal to the postseason for the first time in 22 years. Fans flock to the Big O by the hundreds of thousands to eat smoked meat sandwiches and watch the game's most exciting team, convincing major-league leadership that the best place for the Expos next year is right where they are. In Montreal.
5. The Phillies trade for J.D. Drew just so we can see how Philly fans react when he homers in the bottom of the ninth to win a crucial game in September.
6. The Mariners trade for Hideki Matsui, Tsuyoshi Shinjo and Hideo Nomo so that manager Bob Melvin can write an all-Japanese outfield into the lineup card and start a Japanese pitcher to go with his Japanese setup man and Japanese closer. That will put the Mariners in the postseason again and finally compel club owner Hiroshi Yamauchi to fly to Seattle to watch his team play in person for the first time. Most importantly of all, it will allow exhausted Japanese correspondents to all move to Seattle where they'll happily find multiple icons to write about on a daily basis instead of just one.
7. The Marlins trade Dontrelle Willis to the Cardinals. Because owner Jeffrey Loria doesn't deserve a player this good, and a player this exciting shouldn't be stuck in Florida where no one sees him.
8. The Rangers trade Alex Rodriguez to the Mariners, because after spending virtually every day of the past three seasons in last place, A-Rod has finally learned what's most precious in baseball -- winning. During the offseason, he will use some of his $25 million annual salary to pay for the power hitter Seattle will need so badly after Edgar Martinez retires: Ken Griffey Jr.
9. The Astros trades Brad Ausmus to Detroit, just out of habit.
10. Atlanta trades Greg Maddux to the Cubs so that he can give Chicago the best starting rotation in the league and help the long-sufferers back to the World Series for the first time in 58 years. Naturally, the Cubs lose to the Red Sox but so what? Getting there will be enough for Chicago fans.
And now, I return you to your regularly scheduled trade rumors while I study up. I have a lot of free agency signings to order before winter.
by Jim Caple @ ESPN.com (http://msn.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/caple_jim/1587269.html)
Top 10 trades for the good of the game
Tell Billy Beane I'm in a meeting. Put Brian Cashman on hold. And send Pat Gillick through to my voice mail. I'm not listening to any trade offers. Acting in the best interests of baseball, I simply decree the following 10 transactions be made before Thursday night's deadline:
Clemens
1. The Yankees trade Roger Clemens back to the Red Sox so that Boston fans will once again cheer the greatest pitcher of our generation as "wicked awesome." The Rocket pitches Boston to the World Series, forgets all his past issues with Dan Duquette and announces that there is only one baseball cap he wants to wear on his Hall of Fame plaque for perpetuity. A Red Sox cap.
2. I strip Juan Gonzalez of his no-trade clause for vetoing the deal that would have sent him from last-place Texas to the wild-card contending Montreal Expos. The Rangers then trade him to Detroit to really experience losing while watching flyball after flyball being caught at the warning track 420 feet from home plate.
3. The Dodgers deal Rickey Henderson to the White Sox for Roberto Alomar because it's been a couple weeks since either player changed teams.
4. Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Larry Walker, Moises Alou and Rondell White are traded back to the Expos to even up things and send Montreal to the postseason for the first time in 22 years. Fans flock to the Big O by the hundreds of thousands to eat smoked meat sandwiches and watch the game's most exciting team, convincing major-league leadership that the best place for the Expos next year is right where they are. In Montreal.
5. The Phillies trade for J.D. Drew just so we can see how Philly fans react when he homers in the bottom of the ninth to win a crucial game in September.
6. The Mariners trade for Hideki Matsui, Tsuyoshi Shinjo and Hideo Nomo so that manager Bob Melvin can write an all-Japanese outfield into the lineup card and start a Japanese pitcher to go with his Japanese setup man and Japanese closer. That will put the Mariners in the postseason again and finally compel club owner Hiroshi Yamauchi to fly to Seattle to watch his team play in person for the first time. Most importantly of all, it will allow exhausted Japanese correspondents to all move to Seattle where they'll happily find multiple icons to write about on a daily basis instead of just one.
7. The Marlins trade Dontrelle Willis to the Cardinals. Because owner Jeffrey Loria doesn't deserve a player this good, and a player this exciting shouldn't be stuck in Florida where no one sees him.
8. The Rangers trade Alex Rodriguez to the Mariners, because after spending virtually every day of the past three seasons in last place, A-Rod has finally learned what's most precious in baseball -- winning. During the offseason, he will use some of his $25 million annual salary to pay for the power hitter Seattle will need so badly after Edgar Martinez retires: Ken Griffey Jr.
9. The Astros trades Brad Ausmus to Detroit, just out of habit.
10. Atlanta trades Greg Maddux to the Cubs so that he can give Chicago the best starting rotation in the league and help the long-sufferers back to the World Series for the first time in 58 years. Naturally, the Cubs lose to the Red Sox but so what? Getting there will be enough for Chicago fans.
And now, I return you to your regularly scheduled trade rumors while I study up. I have a lot of free agency signings to order before winter.