GaryMrMets
01-03-2005, 01:54 PM
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/story/267378p-229055c.html
What will jive in 2005
Here's a list of things our sayer of
sooth expects in the year that's here
http://www.nydailynews.com/images/columnists/bondy_f.jpg
Reading back on my column for the last New Year, I was a bit disturbed to discover that very few of the predictions for 2004 came true.
Yes, there were a few prescient nuggets: Art Howe would be fired, Kevin Brown spent a lot of time on the disabled list, the U.S. basketball team was embarrassed at the Olympics and Tom Coughlin had a miserable Giant season.
But considering the number of predictions made last January, my batting average wasn't good enough to play shortstop for the Mets. I was wrong a lot. At least I think I was. I didn't always follow every result closely enough to know whether I was right or not. I'm just one sportswriter, and there are so many sports. If only all commissioners were as accommodating as Gary Bettman ...
This year, I can promise you, my predictions will be more accurate. How can I be sure? Because the results of 2005 came to me in a grand vision yesterday afternoon, while I was switching channels between some indecipherable college bowl game and the Gilmore Girls.
January
One college football factory, Oklahoma, is voted No. 1 and another college football factory, Auburn, is outraged at the snub. After considerable negotiating, the two factories propose a production merger for 2006.
The Jets are knocked out in the first round of the playoffs. It is such a privilege to witness Chad Pennington's 6-for-26 passing performance, beat writers miss deadline while discussing their good fortune.
Michelle Kwan captures her ninth U.S. figure skating championship, and vows to stay on the ice "until I win a gold medal or get whacked on the knee by a jealous competitor, whichever comes first." She is whacked the next day.
Gary Bettman cancels the NHL season. James Dolan announces that ticket prices for remaining Ranger games this season have been slashed by half at the Garden.
February
Giants of 2003 upset Giants of 2004 in super-computer showdown during halftime special at Super Bowl. A triumphant, virtual Jim Fassel says he expects to be hired as head coach by either Philly or New England.
Patriots capture Super Bowl. Bill Belichick uncharacteristically flashes bare breast to camera in postgame locker room. Kobe Bryant says Belichick made a pass at his wife.
International Olympic Committee members visit New York for final review of the city's 2012 bid. They give thumbs up to the bagels. Unfortunately, several are arrested and held without formal charges when city police mistake them for peaceful protesters.
Pitchers and catchers report for spring training. Barry Bonds shows up weighing only 180 pounds, citing a new low-carb diet. "Go design a steroid, you X###%," he tells curious reporters. There is some concern that Bonds' batting practice line drives are no longer carrying to the wall.
March
The NCAA decides its basketball tournament is too commercial and that its student-athletes are playing in too many games for their own academic welfare. A BCS computer declares North Carolina the national champion over Illinois, and everyone rejoices at the wisdom of such a decision.
The NBA quietly merges the Atlantic Division with its developmental league.
Jason Giambi's knees lock during a spring training game and he is forced to roll between bases.
Victor Conte says he snorted designer cocaine with President Bush in 2001, and that the President made a pass at Kobe's wife.
April
Giambi arrives at Yankee Stadium for season opener, only to discover he no longer has a parking space in the players' lot. He doesn't take the hint.
Tiger Woods fails to make cut at Augusta. He blames Nike and his wife, announcing he will replace both shortly.
For first time in seven seasons, the Rangers do not fail to make the playoffs. Actually, there are no playoffs, because of the lockout. But Dolan declares that because of the team's absence of failure, there will be a significant ticket hike next season, to help pay for better replacement players.
Knicks win their developmental division and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. Dolan announces that because of the team's relative success this season, there will be a significant ticket hike next year, to pay for commercials attacking the West Side project.
May
Mets get out to fast start, after Randolph successfully auditions Mike Piazza at second base.
Curt Schilling returns to pitch in his first game of the season for the Red Sox, and starts bleeding rather suspiciously through his back pocket.
Yankees lead AL East by eight games. Mets lead NL East by three games. George Steinbrenner files for an injunction against Mets, claiming infringement of copyright.
June
An unbeaten and unbeatable three-year-old colt is beaten at Belmont, again. Nobody can believe it!
Piazza successfully moves to third.
The Heat wins the NBA championship, but Kobe says Shaq made a transparent pass at his wife during second quarter dunk.
Giambi is given uniform No. 168 before game, but still doesn't get the hint and refuses buyout. He sits between Joe Torre and Joe Girardi in the dugout whenever possible. Torre and Girardi look other way.
What will jive in 2005
Here's a list of things our sayer of
sooth expects in the year that's here
http://www.nydailynews.com/images/columnists/bondy_f.jpg
Reading back on my column for the last New Year, I was a bit disturbed to discover that very few of the predictions for 2004 came true.
Yes, there were a few prescient nuggets: Art Howe would be fired, Kevin Brown spent a lot of time on the disabled list, the U.S. basketball team was embarrassed at the Olympics and Tom Coughlin had a miserable Giant season.
But considering the number of predictions made last January, my batting average wasn't good enough to play shortstop for the Mets. I was wrong a lot. At least I think I was. I didn't always follow every result closely enough to know whether I was right or not. I'm just one sportswriter, and there are so many sports. If only all commissioners were as accommodating as Gary Bettman ...
This year, I can promise you, my predictions will be more accurate. How can I be sure? Because the results of 2005 came to me in a grand vision yesterday afternoon, while I was switching channels between some indecipherable college bowl game and the Gilmore Girls.
January
One college football factory, Oklahoma, is voted No. 1 and another college football factory, Auburn, is outraged at the snub. After considerable negotiating, the two factories propose a production merger for 2006.
The Jets are knocked out in the first round of the playoffs. It is such a privilege to witness Chad Pennington's 6-for-26 passing performance, beat writers miss deadline while discussing their good fortune.
Michelle Kwan captures her ninth U.S. figure skating championship, and vows to stay on the ice "until I win a gold medal or get whacked on the knee by a jealous competitor, whichever comes first." She is whacked the next day.
Gary Bettman cancels the NHL season. James Dolan announces that ticket prices for remaining Ranger games this season have been slashed by half at the Garden.
February
Giants of 2003 upset Giants of 2004 in super-computer showdown during halftime special at Super Bowl. A triumphant, virtual Jim Fassel says he expects to be hired as head coach by either Philly or New England.
Patriots capture Super Bowl. Bill Belichick uncharacteristically flashes bare breast to camera in postgame locker room. Kobe Bryant says Belichick made a pass at his wife.
International Olympic Committee members visit New York for final review of the city's 2012 bid. They give thumbs up to the bagels. Unfortunately, several are arrested and held without formal charges when city police mistake them for peaceful protesters.
Pitchers and catchers report for spring training. Barry Bonds shows up weighing only 180 pounds, citing a new low-carb diet. "Go design a steroid, you X###%," he tells curious reporters. There is some concern that Bonds' batting practice line drives are no longer carrying to the wall.
March
The NCAA decides its basketball tournament is too commercial and that its student-athletes are playing in too many games for their own academic welfare. A BCS computer declares North Carolina the national champion over Illinois, and everyone rejoices at the wisdom of such a decision.
The NBA quietly merges the Atlantic Division with its developmental league.
Jason Giambi's knees lock during a spring training game and he is forced to roll between bases.
Victor Conte says he snorted designer cocaine with President Bush in 2001, and that the President made a pass at Kobe's wife.
April
Giambi arrives at Yankee Stadium for season opener, only to discover he no longer has a parking space in the players' lot. He doesn't take the hint.
Tiger Woods fails to make cut at Augusta. He blames Nike and his wife, announcing he will replace both shortly.
For first time in seven seasons, the Rangers do not fail to make the playoffs. Actually, there are no playoffs, because of the lockout. But Dolan declares that because of the team's absence of failure, there will be a significant ticket hike next season, to help pay for better replacement players.
Knicks win their developmental division and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. Dolan announces that because of the team's relative success this season, there will be a significant ticket hike next year, to pay for commercials attacking the West Side project.
May
Mets get out to fast start, after Randolph successfully auditions Mike Piazza at second base.
Curt Schilling returns to pitch in his first game of the season for the Red Sox, and starts bleeding rather suspiciously through his back pocket.
Yankees lead AL East by eight games. Mets lead NL East by three games. George Steinbrenner files for an injunction against Mets, claiming infringement of copyright.
June
An unbeaten and unbeatable three-year-old colt is beaten at Belmont, again. Nobody can believe it!
Piazza successfully moves to third.
The Heat wins the NBA championship, but Kobe says Shaq made a transparent pass at his wife during second quarter dunk.
Giambi is given uniform No. 168 before game, but still doesn't get the hint and refuses buyout. He sits between Joe Torre and Joe Girardi in the dugout whenever possible. Torre and Girardi look other way.