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03-06-2002, 05:59 PM
The Fistful of Sports: Stalkin' Baseball
by Reid Kerr
SFM Columnist
Spring Training has opened again, and the hearts of baseball fans everywhere are giddy with the realization that every team still has a chance at the pennant. Offer not valid in Montreal. Major League Baseball's theory the Expos will still be competitive took a shot in the chops this week when Montreal's big free agent acquisition of the offseason turned out to be Jose Canseco.
Canseco is the signing of the year, as long as that year is 1988.
A National League team signing a guy who's played thirteen games in the field in the last three years in hopes he'll help their team is like the postal service hoping to speed delivery by hiring illiterate people.
Meanwhile, the Rangers will be putting chemistry to the test like Marie
Curie giving herself a home permanent. This year the Texas clubhouse lineup will include Jeff Zimmerman (from Canada), Chan Ho Park (Korea), Ivan Rodriguez (Puerto Rico), Rafael Palmiero (Cuba), Gabe Kapler (Hollywood), John Rocker (wherever the Klan's home office is located), and Carl Everett (Neptune).
This team is one lesbian vegan away from becoming a season of MTV's "Real World."
By the way, Rocker will play a killer in an upcoming movie called "The Groundskeeper." This'll be Rocker's acting debut, if you don't count his friendly handshake with Everett at the beginning of training camp.
Less than 24 hours after the Red Sox were purchased, the new owners fired general manager Dan Duquette. On the day of his firing, Duquette reportedly told ESPN he would be "very surprised" if he was fired. You know, it takes a very special kind of detachment from reality to be surprised at an announcement like that. Normally, people who are that far away from logic are preparing themselves for some kind of mass religious suicide ritual.
Cincinnati Reds camp has seen some problems, but only from people who are no longer a part of the camp. Two former players and a former coach have come out and said that Ken Griffey Jr. is receiving special "star" treatment from the Reds. Well, thank goodness someone finally has the guts to come forward with the painfully obvious truth, eh? I wonder if anyone's going to come forward with the scoop that Griffey receives preferential treatment from the fans?
Of course, there's a star system in sports. There's a star system in life. You ever see Brad Pitt getting a speeding ticket? Carmen Electra buying a drink? Bill Gates down at the Best Buy scoping out the new software? There's always a star system, and you know who has a problem with that?
People who aren't stars. All men are not created equal. All men are not
drafted equal, all men are not paid equal, and all men's endorsements are not equal. Pokey Reese had some complaints about Griffey. Pokey Reese was traded twice in three days this past offseason. Maybe it's the jet lag talking.
Meanwhile, there was good evidence this week that if there's not a star system in sports, there should be. Giants second baseman Jeff Kent broke his thumb while washing his car and will be out four to six weeks.
Two questions pop up here. Why is a former MVP waiting in line at a self-serve car wash? And more importantly, how hard does Jeff Kent have to scrub his car to get it clean? I've had many a filthy vehicle in my time, folks, and I've never so much as sustained a deep thigh bruise, much less a broken bone while cleaning it off. Pay the extra coins, get the "touchless" next time.
The Houston Astros have decided their best path back to respectability won't be on the field, it's actually the field itself. The Astros bought back the naming rights to their ballpark, changing "Enron Field" into "Astros Field." The Astros didn't want their franchise saddled with a name so obviously associated with incompetent business practice. In other baseball news, the Tampa Bay Marlins next year will just be called "that blue team."
Michael Jordan went to the injured list this week. That sound you heard wasn't the disappointment of NBA fans who had purchased tickets to see him, nor was it the groans of Wizards fans who were hoping for a playoff berth.
That was the sound of NBC executives scuttling to remove all the Washington games they shoehorned into the schedule a few weeks ago when it looked like Jordan had turned the Wizards into something other than a punchline.
The Wizards have vanished from NBC almost as fast as those graphics that featured Jayson Williams.
by Reid Kerr
SFM Columnist
Spring Training has opened again, and the hearts of baseball fans everywhere are giddy with the realization that every team still has a chance at the pennant. Offer not valid in Montreal. Major League Baseball's theory the Expos will still be competitive took a shot in the chops this week when Montreal's big free agent acquisition of the offseason turned out to be Jose Canseco.
Canseco is the signing of the year, as long as that year is 1988.
A National League team signing a guy who's played thirteen games in the field in the last three years in hopes he'll help their team is like the postal service hoping to speed delivery by hiring illiterate people.
Meanwhile, the Rangers will be putting chemistry to the test like Marie
Curie giving herself a home permanent. This year the Texas clubhouse lineup will include Jeff Zimmerman (from Canada), Chan Ho Park (Korea), Ivan Rodriguez (Puerto Rico), Rafael Palmiero (Cuba), Gabe Kapler (Hollywood), John Rocker (wherever the Klan's home office is located), and Carl Everett (Neptune).
This team is one lesbian vegan away from becoming a season of MTV's "Real World."
By the way, Rocker will play a killer in an upcoming movie called "The Groundskeeper." This'll be Rocker's acting debut, if you don't count his friendly handshake with Everett at the beginning of training camp.
Less than 24 hours after the Red Sox were purchased, the new owners fired general manager Dan Duquette. On the day of his firing, Duquette reportedly told ESPN he would be "very surprised" if he was fired. You know, it takes a very special kind of detachment from reality to be surprised at an announcement like that. Normally, people who are that far away from logic are preparing themselves for some kind of mass religious suicide ritual.
Cincinnati Reds camp has seen some problems, but only from people who are no longer a part of the camp. Two former players and a former coach have come out and said that Ken Griffey Jr. is receiving special "star" treatment from the Reds. Well, thank goodness someone finally has the guts to come forward with the painfully obvious truth, eh? I wonder if anyone's going to come forward with the scoop that Griffey receives preferential treatment from the fans?
Of course, there's a star system in sports. There's a star system in life. You ever see Brad Pitt getting a speeding ticket? Carmen Electra buying a drink? Bill Gates down at the Best Buy scoping out the new software? There's always a star system, and you know who has a problem with that?
People who aren't stars. All men are not created equal. All men are not
drafted equal, all men are not paid equal, and all men's endorsements are not equal. Pokey Reese had some complaints about Griffey. Pokey Reese was traded twice in three days this past offseason. Maybe it's the jet lag talking.
Meanwhile, there was good evidence this week that if there's not a star system in sports, there should be. Giants second baseman Jeff Kent broke his thumb while washing his car and will be out four to six weeks.
Two questions pop up here. Why is a former MVP waiting in line at a self-serve car wash? And more importantly, how hard does Jeff Kent have to scrub his car to get it clean? I've had many a filthy vehicle in my time, folks, and I've never so much as sustained a deep thigh bruise, much less a broken bone while cleaning it off. Pay the extra coins, get the "touchless" next time.
The Houston Astros have decided their best path back to respectability won't be on the field, it's actually the field itself. The Astros bought back the naming rights to their ballpark, changing "Enron Field" into "Astros Field." The Astros didn't want their franchise saddled with a name so obviously associated with incompetent business practice. In other baseball news, the Tampa Bay Marlins next year will just be called "that blue team."
Michael Jordan went to the injured list this week. That sound you heard wasn't the disappointment of NBA fans who had purchased tickets to see him, nor was it the groans of Wizards fans who were hoping for a playoff berth.
That was the sound of NBC executives scuttling to remove all the Washington games they shoehorned into the schedule a few weeks ago when it looked like Jordan had turned the Wizards into something other than a punchline.
The Wizards have vanished from NBC almost as fast as those graphics that featured Jayson Williams.