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04-25-2005, 12:50 AM
Rockies To Forfeit Season While They Still Have Some Semblance Of Dignity
DENVER, CO--As a favor to fans and players alike, the Colorado Rockies have announced plans to cease playing baseball this season while they still have some semblance of dignity. The announcement came after the team started the season with a 2-9 record, good for last place in the National League West division. With no end in sight to their troubles, the Rockies have gone home for the season.
“We’re done. We’re quitting,” said Manager Clint Hurdle. “The first couple weeks of this season have been extremely difficult on us and our fans. We owe it to the state of Colorado to stop this madness while we still have a tiny shred of dignity left. Hopefully we can sign some people in the offseason and avoid a repeat of this next year. Or maybe I’ll end up somewhere else. You never know…ahem. Did anyone hear that? Major league manager here…totally available…4 years of experience…. Anyone?”
The Rockies are one of the youngest teams in baseball. They have 4 rookies in their starting lineup. Unfortunately, none of those rookies are very good.
“This isn’t some exciting young team of hotshot rookies. This is a minor league club,” said Hurdle. “They’re prospects, castoffs. In fact, half our guys were players to be named later at some point in their career. What does that tell you? OK, so Clint Barmes is having a decent start. Woohoo! Break out the champagne bottles! I’m sure the Red Sox and Yankees are playing close attention. Enjoy this guy while you can.”
The idea to quit so soon into the season came from an unlikely source: first baseman Todd Helton. The veteran slugger had never quit anything in his life, but there is a first time for everything.
“It was hard for me to come out and suggest that we quit,” said Helton. “I am not a quitter. I do not enjoy giving up. However, there comes a time in a man’s life when he has to cut his losses and save a little face. What would be worse, me finishing the season with a team that may not reach double digits in victories, or me calling it quits and spending time with my family, or my importantly, my fishing boat? Exactly, the fishing boat.”
Helton also pointed out that he makes more money than anyone on the team, and the Rockies would be better off trading him away for some prospects.
“I make a lot of money,” he said. “$12 million this year. Can you believe that? They could jettison me right now and still be in last place. I’m not helping at all. Why can’t this be like the NFL, where teams can cut players whenever they want and the contracts aren’t even guaranteed? I know what I’ll do: Sex assault! Then they can invoke that stupid personal behavior clause, or whatever they call it, and release me. That’s a great idea. Anyone got some roofies? Where’s Peter Gammons?”
Now that the team is done for the season, their opponents have been credited for victories in all their scheduled games against the Rockies. This should be helpful to struggling clubs like Pittsburgh and San Diego, but most teams won’t notice much of a difference at all.
“Oh? They forfeited and we’ve been credited with victories for all those games we were supposed to play against them? Big deal,” said Braves manager Bobby Cox. “We pretty much planned on that anyway. We actually had all those games penciled in as victories. I guess the one good thing is that we can rest our guys on those days. It’s too bad, though. We always look forward to facing those Colorado pitchers. I was going to get in a couple at bats myself against Jason Jennings. Helluva lot easier than facing those pitching machines at the batting cages.”
Rockies owner Charlie Monfort has endorsed his team’s decision to forfeit the rest of the season. He’s hoping that the stoppage of play will help curb the flow of hate mail coming to the team’s offices.
“There is a time and a place for everything, and this is the time for quitting,” said Monfort. “Our fans deserve better, and our staff deserves better. They’ve been sorting through hate mail and death threats for weeks now. Plus, a man needs his dignity and right now that’s not happening for us. We’re an embarrassment. We’re a laughingstock. You know, my dad always said to me ‘Son, whenever things are going bad in life and you have obstacles to overcome, quit immediately. Don’t think twice about it.’ Yea, he wasn’t the greatest dad in the world, but he had a point.”
Copyright 2003, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission
DENVER, CO--As a favor to fans and players alike, the Colorado Rockies have announced plans to cease playing baseball this season while they still have some semblance of dignity. The announcement came after the team started the season with a 2-9 record, good for last place in the National League West division. With no end in sight to their troubles, the Rockies have gone home for the season.
“We’re done. We’re quitting,” said Manager Clint Hurdle. “The first couple weeks of this season have been extremely difficult on us and our fans. We owe it to the state of Colorado to stop this madness while we still have a tiny shred of dignity left. Hopefully we can sign some people in the offseason and avoid a repeat of this next year. Or maybe I’ll end up somewhere else. You never know…ahem. Did anyone hear that? Major league manager here…totally available…4 years of experience…. Anyone?”
The Rockies are one of the youngest teams in baseball. They have 4 rookies in their starting lineup. Unfortunately, none of those rookies are very good.
“This isn’t some exciting young team of hotshot rookies. This is a minor league club,” said Hurdle. “They’re prospects, castoffs. In fact, half our guys were players to be named later at some point in their career. What does that tell you? OK, so Clint Barmes is having a decent start. Woohoo! Break out the champagne bottles! I’m sure the Red Sox and Yankees are playing close attention. Enjoy this guy while you can.”
The idea to quit so soon into the season came from an unlikely source: first baseman Todd Helton. The veteran slugger had never quit anything in his life, but there is a first time for everything.
“It was hard for me to come out and suggest that we quit,” said Helton. “I am not a quitter. I do not enjoy giving up. However, there comes a time in a man’s life when he has to cut his losses and save a little face. What would be worse, me finishing the season with a team that may not reach double digits in victories, or me calling it quits and spending time with my family, or my importantly, my fishing boat? Exactly, the fishing boat.”
Helton also pointed out that he makes more money than anyone on the team, and the Rockies would be better off trading him away for some prospects.
“I make a lot of money,” he said. “$12 million this year. Can you believe that? They could jettison me right now and still be in last place. I’m not helping at all. Why can’t this be like the NFL, where teams can cut players whenever they want and the contracts aren’t even guaranteed? I know what I’ll do: Sex assault! Then they can invoke that stupid personal behavior clause, or whatever they call it, and release me. That’s a great idea. Anyone got some roofies? Where’s Peter Gammons?”
Now that the team is done for the season, their opponents have been credited for victories in all their scheduled games against the Rockies. This should be helpful to struggling clubs like Pittsburgh and San Diego, but most teams won’t notice much of a difference at all.
“Oh? They forfeited and we’ve been credited with victories for all those games we were supposed to play against them? Big deal,” said Braves manager Bobby Cox. “We pretty much planned on that anyway. We actually had all those games penciled in as victories. I guess the one good thing is that we can rest our guys on those days. It’s too bad, though. We always look forward to facing those Colorado pitchers. I was going to get in a couple at bats myself against Jason Jennings. Helluva lot easier than facing those pitching machines at the batting cages.”
Rockies owner Charlie Monfort has endorsed his team’s decision to forfeit the rest of the season. He’s hoping that the stoppage of play will help curb the flow of hate mail coming to the team’s offices.
“There is a time and a place for everything, and this is the time for quitting,” said Monfort. “Our fans deserve better, and our staff deserves better. They’ve been sorting through hate mail and death threats for weeks now. Plus, a man needs his dignity and right now that’s not happening for us. We’re an embarrassment. We’re a laughingstock. You know, my dad always said to me ‘Son, whenever things are going bad in life and you have obstacles to overcome, quit immediately. Don’t think twice about it.’ Yea, he wasn’t the greatest dad in the world, but he had a point.”
Copyright 2003, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission