GaryMrMets
01-01-2006, 07:18 PM
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/story/379142p-322030c.html
Back to the future
Our seer Filip Bondy looks into his
crystal ball to unveil secrets of 2006
http://www.nydailynews.com/images/columnists/bondy_f.jpg
http://www.nydailynews.com/images/editors/header_endzone.gif
I'm not going to kid you. My clairvoyance has its limits. I think you'll find that my annual predictions for the first half of the year are generally more accurate than those for the second half - a lot like Mike Mussina's pitches.
Visions go wide of the plate, when I look too far ahead. But I keep the crystal ball low, and hope for groundouts.
And what I see, people, is more bad news on the home front. These coming 12 months do not appear particularly joyful for the home teams. The Rangers will win a championship, but it will cost you dearly. And the other teams are just plum out of luck, yet again.
So here's a New Year's resolution for you all: Stop cheering New York teams. Be a front-runner. Break through the geographic boundaries, look nationally, start supporting those proven winners in New England and San Antonio.
Rooting for predestined winners won't make you a worse person, no matter what they say on WFAN. And it will improve your sex life. Like the TV commercials, I guarantee it.
Meanwhile, here it is, another dire look ahead, another road map of upcoming disasters. Get out while you can, people.
January
USC captures the Rose Bowl, but is ranked No. 2 in new, postseason BCS ratings because Trojans failed to dominate second half of third quarters early in season.
Garden riot ensues at Mark Messier's No. 11 jersey retirement ceremony, as fans of former captain and 50-goal-scorer Vic Hadfield (also No. 11) clash with police. Messier knocks one protester in head with stick, again isn't called for penalty.
Michelle Kwan doesn't land a single triple jump at Olympic trials in St. Louis, but is placed on U.S. team anyway, because nobody can figure out new scoring system.
Giants lose in first round of playoffs after Tiki Barber is forced to fill in at linebacker and Jay Feely kicks field goal through wrong goalposts. Tom Coughlin holds 2-minute, 23-second teleconference call to thank media for coverage this season.
Knicks fall to 8-26. Isiah Thomas announces that Allan Houston is coming out of retirement. Additional assistant coach is hired to coach Houston. Larry Brown eyes St. John's job.
February
After Patriots win Super Bowl, Smithsonian curator requests Bill Belichick's brain on loan for spring exhibition. A special display room is expanded to fit the ever-increasing mass of gray matter.
Kwan finishes eighth in Turin, as figure skating officials finally figure out new scoring system. "She really can't jump anymore at all, can she?" says stunned French judge, before being led off in handcuffs.
Bode Miller wins Olympic downhill and slalom, then tells everybody these races don't matter as much as World Cup events and that nobody understands him or his sport. Sponsors like what they hear, jump on board.
Stephon Marbury, sick of getting booed at Garden, refuses to say which 50 Cent song is his favorite for scoreboard fan quiz. "I like them all," he says. Marbury is suspended indefinitely. Brown eyes Rice High School job.
Johnny Damon reports to spring training, surprisingly, with full facial hair. "My contract just says I need to cut my hair. It doesn't say how many times," Damon says. Brian Cashman, oddly enough, also shows up with beard and long sideburns. "If we need to get funky to win a title, we can be Idiots, too," Cashman declares.
March
Madness breaks out, but is muted effectively with electro-shock therapy.
Treasury Department rules that no team other than U.S. can participate in World Baseball Classic on American soil. Without playing single game, Americans win title. Team is invited to White House for photo op with George W. Bush.
Knicks hire two new assistant coaches, fall to 18-55.
Anna Benson shows up in Florida for preseason game, stands tall for "Star-Spangled Banner" while attired in low-cut flag.
April
Duke wins NCAA titles in men's, women's, animals', minerals' and vegetables' basketball.
Pulitzer prizes are announced. I win two of them in sports commentary, because one is no longer enough.
Knicks hire three more assistants, finish season at 20-62. Brown says it is all his fault. Isiah basically agrees. James Dolan announces Knick ticket-price hikes for 2006-2007, based on Channing Frye's talent potential and exciting new routine by glow-in-the-dark Knicks City Dancers.
Tabloid frenzy: Michelle Damon, Johnny's wife, says she doesn't really respect Anna Benson's Web site.
Carlos Delgado says he doesn't respect Anna Benson's Web site, either.
Tiger Woods captures Masters, but turns down green jacket to protest use of dangerous pesticides by course caretakers. "There's nothing green about this place, really," Tiger says to Hootie Johnson. "I've got causes now. Get used to it."
Jets draft Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk instead of Matt Leinart, because Chad Pennington is their quarterback of the extremely near future.
May
Yankees win many games. Red Sox win many games.
Anna Benson's Web site goes bilingual.
Nets lose to Pistons in conference finals, but only 842 fans find their way into Meadowlands Arena because of confusing Xanadu construction.
Barry Bonds hits homer No. 713. FBI agents involved in "Operation Save Babe" raid his hotel room in search of syringes. Find only angry, half-written ramblings on crumpled up paper. "Nobody cares about this stuff...," items all begin.
Another horse not owned by George Steinbrenner wins Kentucky Derby.
Alex Rodriguez smacks five homers in game, but Yankees win by 12 runs so feat is deemed unremarkable.
June
U.S. Treasury Department declares that Iran can't participate in soccer's World Cup in Germany, only to be informed that it doesn't have jurisdiction over tournament. Americans upset Czechs, upset Italians, beat Ghanans. Mike Lupica writes that people should wake him up when World Cup is over.
Barry Bonds stuck on 713, nursing a knee injury, blames media.
Red Sox win many games. Yankees win many games.
Rangers capture Stanley Cup. Skodas are overturned and burned in celebration around Old Town Square in Prague. James Dolan announces Ranger tickets for 2006-2007 season will go up for bid shortly on new joint Web site, Rangers/ebay.
July
Germany beats England in final of World Cup on disputed goal off crossbar, gaining revenge for 1966. Still seeking revenge for 1945. Roger Federer beats Tim Henman for Wimbledon title on same day, prompting familiar "We're Rubbish," headlines in local Brit tabs.
Lance Armstrong comes out of retirement, finishes dead last at Tour de France. "What was I thinking?" he says. "I just wanted to win an unprecedented fifth AP Sportsman of the Year award."
Yankees win many games. Red Sox win many games.
New York Post reports rumored trade of Anna Benson for Joumana Kidd. Never happens.
August
Bonds stuck on 713 homers, nursing ankle sprain, blames media.
Boxing banned by Congress for its barbaric practices, after people realize nobody is making much money off it anymore.
Red Sox win many games. Yankees win many games.
September
Martina Hingis retires again from tennis after losing to 15-year-old wild-card entrant at U.S. Open. "Half-men, every one of them," she says.
James Blake beats Andy Roddick in quarterfinal, destroying another American Express ad campaign.
Yankees win many games. Red Sox win many games.
Chad Pennington has trouble throwing ball 15 yards, but rookie linebacker is real good one for 0-4 Jets.
October
Bonds finally smacks homer No. 715 into bay, tests positive for megalomania. Invaluable baseball is plucked from water by Bill Gates, who coincidentally is rowing kayak around Bay Area.
Yankees and Red Sox stop winning games, both eliminated in first round of playoffs. Howard Rubenstein releases statement from Steinbrenner saying, "We'll be back." But nobody has actually seen Steinbrenner for six months and there is talk he may be in Burmese opium den.
November
Tom Coughlin tells joke. Joke isn't funny, but it's thought that matters.
Knicks start new season 0-5. Brown eyes Long Island recreation center job.
December
Bones exhumed from Babe Ruth's grave test positive for nandrolone. Ruth suspended from heaven for 30 days. Saint Peter seeks tougher penalties. "Where are all the headlines, now?" Bonds wants to know.
Herm Edwards says that Leinart wouldn't have improved the Jets' 1-10 record, anyway, despite that No. 2 ranking in quarterback stats, just behind Peyton Manning. "We all know what Chad Pennington can do when he's healthy," Herm says. Edwards probably doesn't want to know what happens next in 2007.
Armstrong named AP Sportsman of the Year, anyway. Anna Benson named Sports Illustrated Sportswoman of the Year, announced in shocking swimsuit edition.
Originally published on January 1, 2006
Back to the future
Our seer Filip Bondy looks into his
crystal ball to unveil secrets of 2006
http://www.nydailynews.com/images/columnists/bondy_f.jpg
http://www.nydailynews.com/images/editors/header_endzone.gif
I'm not going to kid you. My clairvoyance has its limits. I think you'll find that my annual predictions for the first half of the year are generally more accurate than those for the second half - a lot like Mike Mussina's pitches.
Visions go wide of the plate, when I look too far ahead. But I keep the crystal ball low, and hope for groundouts.
And what I see, people, is more bad news on the home front. These coming 12 months do not appear particularly joyful for the home teams. The Rangers will win a championship, but it will cost you dearly. And the other teams are just plum out of luck, yet again.
So here's a New Year's resolution for you all: Stop cheering New York teams. Be a front-runner. Break through the geographic boundaries, look nationally, start supporting those proven winners in New England and San Antonio.
Rooting for predestined winners won't make you a worse person, no matter what they say on WFAN. And it will improve your sex life. Like the TV commercials, I guarantee it.
Meanwhile, here it is, another dire look ahead, another road map of upcoming disasters. Get out while you can, people.
January
USC captures the Rose Bowl, but is ranked No. 2 in new, postseason BCS ratings because Trojans failed to dominate second half of third quarters early in season.
Garden riot ensues at Mark Messier's No. 11 jersey retirement ceremony, as fans of former captain and 50-goal-scorer Vic Hadfield (also No. 11) clash with police. Messier knocks one protester in head with stick, again isn't called for penalty.
Michelle Kwan doesn't land a single triple jump at Olympic trials in St. Louis, but is placed on U.S. team anyway, because nobody can figure out new scoring system.
Giants lose in first round of playoffs after Tiki Barber is forced to fill in at linebacker and Jay Feely kicks field goal through wrong goalposts. Tom Coughlin holds 2-minute, 23-second teleconference call to thank media for coverage this season.
Knicks fall to 8-26. Isiah Thomas announces that Allan Houston is coming out of retirement. Additional assistant coach is hired to coach Houston. Larry Brown eyes St. John's job.
February
After Patriots win Super Bowl, Smithsonian curator requests Bill Belichick's brain on loan for spring exhibition. A special display room is expanded to fit the ever-increasing mass of gray matter.
Kwan finishes eighth in Turin, as figure skating officials finally figure out new scoring system. "She really can't jump anymore at all, can she?" says stunned French judge, before being led off in handcuffs.
Bode Miller wins Olympic downhill and slalom, then tells everybody these races don't matter as much as World Cup events and that nobody understands him or his sport. Sponsors like what they hear, jump on board.
Stephon Marbury, sick of getting booed at Garden, refuses to say which 50 Cent song is his favorite for scoreboard fan quiz. "I like them all," he says. Marbury is suspended indefinitely. Brown eyes Rice High School job.
Johnny Damon reports to spring training, surprisingly, with full facial hair. "My contract just says I need to cut my hair. It doesn't say how many times," Damon says. Brian Cashman, oddly enough, also shows up with beard and long sideburns. "If we need to get funky to win a title, we can be Idiots, too," Cashman declares.
March
Madness breaks out, but is muted effectively with electro-shock therapy.
Treasury Department rules that no team other than U.S. can participate in World Baseball Classic on American soil. Without playing single game, Americans win title. Team is invited to White House for photo op with George W. Bush.
Knicks hire two new assistant coaches, fall to 18-55.
Anna Benson shows up in Florida for preseason game, stands tall for "Star-Spangled Banner" while attired in low-cut flag.
April
Duke wins NCAA titles in men's, women's, animals', minerals' and vegetables' basketball.
Pulitzer prizes are announced. I win two of them in sports commentary, because one is no longer enough.
Knicks hire three more assistants, finish season at 20-62. Brown says it is all his fault. Isiah basically agrees. James Dolan announces Knick ticket-price hikes for 2006-2007, based on Channing Frye's talent potential and exciting new routine by glow-in-the-dark Knicks City Dancers.
Tabloid frenzy: Michelle Damon, Johnny's wife, says she doesn't really respect Anna Benson's Web site.
Carlos Delgado says he doesn't respect Anna Benson's Web site, either.
Tiger Woods captures Masters, but turns down green jacket to protest use of dangerous pesticides by course caretakers. "There's nothing green about this place, really," Tiger says to Hootie Johnson. "I've got causes now. Get used to it."
Jets draft Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk instead of Matt Leinart, because Chad Pennington is their quarterback of the extremely near future.
May
Yankees win many games. Red Sox win many games.
Anna Benson's Web site goes bilingual.
Nets lose to Pistons in conference finals, but only 842 fans find their way into Meadowlands Arena because of confusing Xanadu construction.
Barry Bonds hits homer No. 713. FBI agents involved in "Operation Save Babe" raid his hotel room in search of syringes. Find only angry, half-written ramblings on crumpled up paper. "Nobody cares about this stuff...," items all begin.
Another horse not owned by George Steinbrenner wins Kentucky Derby.
Alex Rodriguez smacks five homers in game, but Yankees win by 12 runs so feat is deemed unremarkable.
June
U.S. Treasury Department declares that Iran can't participate in soccer's World Cup in Germany, only to be informed that it doesn't have jurisdiction over tournament. Americans upset Czechs, upset Italians, beat Ghanans. Mike Lupica writes that people should wake him up when World Cup is over.
Barry Bonds stuck on 713, nursing a knee injury, blames media.
Red Sox win many games. Yankees win many games.
Rangers capture Stanley Cup. Skodas are overturned and burned in celebration around Old Town Square in Prague. James Dolan announces Ranger tickets for 2006-2007 season will go up for bid shortly on new joint Web site, Rangers/ebay.
July
Germany beats England in final of World Cup on disputed goal off crossbar, gaining revenge for 1966. Still seeking revenge for 1945. Roger Federer beats Tim Henman for Wimbledon title on same day, prompting familiar "We're Rubbish," headlines in local Brit tabs.
Lance Armstrong comes out of retirement, finishes dead last at Tour de France. "What was I thinking?" he says. "I just wanted to win an unprecedented fifth AP Sportsman of the Year award."
Yankees win many games. Red Sox win many games.
New York Post reports rumored trade of Anna Benson for Joumana Kidd. Never happens.
August
Bonds stuck on 713 homers, nursing ankle sprain, blames media.
Boxing banned by Congress for its barbaric practices, after people realize nobody is making much money off it anymore.
Red Sox win many games. Yankees win many games.
September
Martina Hingis retires again from tennis after losing to 15-year-old wild-card entrant at U.S. Open. "Half-men, every one of them," she says.
James Blake beats Andy Roddick in quarterfinal, destroying another American Express ad campaign.
Yankees win many games. Red Sox win many games.
Chad Pennington has trouble throwing ball 15 yards, but rookie linebacker is real good one for 0-4 Jets.
October
Bonds finally smacks homer No. 715 into bay, tests positive for megalomania. Invaluable baseball is plucked from water by Bill Gates, who coincidentally is rowing kayak around Bay Area.
Yankees and Red Sox stop winning games, both eliminated in first round of playoffs. Howard Rubenstein releases statement from Steinbrenner saying, "We'll be back." But nobody has actually seen Steinbrenner for six months and there is talk he may be in Burmese opium den.
November
Tom Coughlin tells joke. Joke isn't funny, but it's thought that matters.
Knicks start new season 0-5. Brown eyes Long Island recreation center job.
December
Bones exhumed from Babe Ruth's grave test positive for nandrolone. Ruth suspended from heaven for 30 days. Saint Peter seeks tougher penalties. "Where are all the headlines, now?" Bonds wants to know.
Herm Edwards says that Leinart wouldn't have improved the Jets' 1-10 record, anyway, despite that No. 2 ranking in quarterback stats, just behind Peyton Manning. "We all know what Chad Pennington can do when he's healthy," Herm says. Edwards probably doesn't want to know what happens next in 2007.
Armstrong named AP Sportsman of the Year, anyway. Anna Benson named Sports Illustrated Sportswoman of the Year, announced in shocking swimsuit edition.
Originally published on January 1, 2006