Good Vs. Bad

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Gene Therapy: Questions not to ask in the clubhouse

Friday, July 05, 2002








With so much comment this week over whether a Sports Illustrated columnist swerved out of bounds by asking Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa to take a steroids test, I started wondering what I'd done with that list of good vs. bad questions I used to carry around.

After looking for it all day yesterday, I found it right there on the windowsill under all my prescription medications.

In twentysomething years of visiting the inner sanctum of baseball clubhouses without ever getting punched (spit on, yes, but never punched), I developed this helpful list of things to ask, and not to ask. To be clear, I'm not telling anyone how to do their job, I'm just showin' ya my list, OK?


Good question: Whadya hit, fastball?

Bad question: Have ya noticed any testicular shrinkage?

Good question: Whadya hit, slider?

Bad question: I meant, have you noticed any testicular shrinkage of your own?

Good question: Whadya hit, curveball?

Bad question: Do you still have that stripper's poll in your bedroom?

Good question: Whadya hit, changeup?

Bad question: In a month, how many needles would you say you go through?

Good question: What pitch are ya lookin' for in that situation?

Bad question: What were ya lookin' for in that neighborhood at 3:40 a.m.?

Good question: Ever been as hot as you are now?

Bad question: Ever killed anybody?

Good question: Are you disappointed in not being selected for the All-Star Game?

Bad question: Are you still jittery about never having been charged with trafficking?

Good question: Can you remember seeing your first major-league game?

Bad question: Can you account for your whereabouts the night of the Chandra Levy disappearance?

Good question: What's your favorite Yogi Berra-ism?

Bad question: What's your favorite masking agent?

Good question: I mean, other than "Smarter than the average Bear"?

Bad question: What's the street price of your autograph these days?

Good question: Which city in this league has the best restaurants?

Bad question: Which city in this league has the best Night Court?

Good question: Was there any discussion, in that situation, about walking Bonds with first base open?

Bad question: Was there any discussion, in that situation, about Palestinian self determination?

Good question: 'Sup dog?

Bad question: Who let the dogs out?

Good question: Do you think anybody will catch the Braves?

Bad question: Do you think anybody will catch you using human growth hormone?

Good question: Have you benefited much from watching videotape?

Bad question: Have you benefited much from videotaping the third baseman having sex?

Good question: How difficult was the sun out there today?

Bad question: Is the sun worse when you're, like, really, really hungover?

Good question: Do you think the players ought to set a strike date?

Bad question: Do you think the players routinely strike their dates?

Good question: Has the club approached you about a new contract?

Bad question: Has the mob approached you about a new contract?

Good question: What would it take to lock you up for four more years?

Bad question: Can you avoid being locked up for four more years?

Good question: Ginger or MaryAnn?

Bad question: Dianabol or Nandrolone?

Good question: Boxers or briefs?

Bad question: Tijuana or domestic black market?

Good question: How many of your pitches were really working for you tonight?

Bad question: How many injections before your butt starts to feel tender?

Good question: Is there anything that determines whether you charge the mound, or is it strictly a degree-of-rage kind of thing?

Bad question: Not that it has anything to do with 'Roid Rage, but have you ever charged the mound during batting practice before?

Good question: Any plans for the All-Star break?

Bad question: Any interest in a three-day impotence seminar?

Good question: To be or not to be?

Bad question: To pee or not to pee?

Good question: Will there ever be a salary cap in baseball?

Bad question: How come your cap is two sizes larger this year?

Good question: Who's the best shortstop you've seen on grass?

Bad question: Who's the best shortstop you've seen on smack?

Good question: Who da man?

Bad question: Why wait to see what the players association will do; why not step up right now and be tested?

Good question: Would you consider taking your foot out of my colon?

Bad question: Are you aware that this means you have more assaults than triples?