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Beer me!
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: No Name City
Posts: 15,268
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Of hot dogs and Thundersticks
Dollar hot dogs, yes! Free Thundersticks, no!
“Ejected?! If she did that in New York, she’d get a day off from school and be on David Letterman!” --- WSBL Chief Umpire R.A. "Strike Three" Stauf
Ladies and gentlemen, baseball fans young and old, visionaries of yesterday and distinguished members of the fourth estate, I present to you today a chance to solve a most confounding problem facing Major League Baseball and their bungling boss Bud.
That is, of course, the crisis of high-priced wieners and free-for-all Thundersticks, the latest MLB giveaway fad sure to go down in history alongside Disco Demolition and Free Souvenir Bats & Bourbon Nights.
Now on the surface, I realize many of you may think these two issues to be as unrelated as Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. Wait, that may not be the best comparison to use.
Ok, let’s try this one: $4 hot dogs and Thundersticks are as related as the DH rule and interleague play. Both have many detractors yet the paying baseball public continues to support each by attending games in record numbers.
I wanted to pen this plea without the journalistic no-no of scribbling, “I remember when…” But then I realized I wasn’t that creative a writer to avoid it.
So, I remember when hot dogs were 35¢ at baseball games. Another 15¢ if you wanted the brown, lumpy goo they passed off for chili. We would go to games in old Colt Stadium in Houston, group our silver dimes and buy one or two. Not to eat, mind you. No sir.
We bought the dogs, maybe one with and one without chili, and set them near a puddle under the bleachers so the baby mosquitoes wouldn’t be forced to take their maiden flights in search of fresh meat.
But that’s another story.
I also remember when you could go to Burger King, the one down on South Post Oak, and buy two mustard Whoppers and a large Coke, and get enough change from $2 to purchase a pack of Marlboros from the machine. Texas was the home of the original mustard Whopper, by the way.
Again, that is another story.
There just isn’t any reason for the average price of a hot dog inside MLB venues to be approaching a five-spot. Sure, that’s peanuts to some folks. Come to think of it, peanuts are about the same price.
I’ve witnessed the inevitably capitalistic vertical spiral of prices since beginning to pay my own way in the late 60s, early 70s. And I’m not an opponent of the free market system. But by golly, by gum and buy bonds, there are just some things that should remain in check. Like 45¢ packs of cigs, 85¢ mustard Whoppers and $1 hot dogs at baseball games.
Now the Thundersticks are new, and who knows how much they may bring one day on e-bay, or whatever it’s called these days dot-com. But here again, there are some things that should remain in check.
Those of us wise enough and cultured enough to truly appreciate and love the game of baseball all saw it when we tuned into Game 7 of this year’s World Series. It was the bottom of the third inning, and the batter was Anaheim doubles machine Garret “One T In My Name, Two T’s In Thundersticks” Anderson. San Francisco’s Livan “Quarter Pounder” Hernandez stared in at the sign from Benito “I Did My Best & Deserved Better” Santiago. Let’s listen in and hear Tim McCarver describe the action:
“So I said, ‘Robin, where did you get those glasses?’ And my longtime friend Robin Williams replied…”
Wait, let’s see if we can pickup Jon Miller on the radio. Ok, here we go:
“Fastball, ripped down the right field line. The ball kicks to Sanders, one run scores. He drops it, here comes Salmon, he scores. Anderson into second and it’s 4-to-1 Angels.”
Being the astute viewer that I am, I saw the individual lean over the wall in right and take a swipe at Reggie Sanders with their Thunderstick. It was only on the replay that I saw the individual, clearly sporting either pigtails or a pair of hangman’s nooses dangling around their neck, actually assault the Giants right fielder. On the second replay, I finally decided two things:
1) Sanders’ bobble occurred prior to the assault.
2) They were pigtails.
Being color blind, I turned to my living room broadcast partner, the aforementioned chief umpire Stauf, and asked him without coercion or even a hint of prejudice in my voice, “What color were those pigtails?”
Being the generally concerned and impartial type that he is, he replied, “Want another drink?”
Granted, this individual was eventually ejected from the game, prompting the quote I began with. But what is it going to take before MLB wises up to the very real and perilous dangers presented by these Thundersticks? Imagine some nutcase of a fan, the type who goes to games with the idea they are going to do everything in their power to get drunk on $6 beers, objecting to an umpire’s decision or the rap song played before some slugger’s AB or the way the first base coach’s butt looks when he crouches. This one generation descendant of Neanderthal hurls one, maybe both, of his Thundersticks to the field from his ill-gotten seat in the front row of the upper deck.
Why, it could hit a 3-year-old batboy. Do you really want that on your conscience?
I know what you’re saying. Something like, “You long-winded, fat-headed moron! Where are baseball teams going to replace the revenue lost from cutting the costs of hot dogs and the crowd attracted by almost any MLB giveaway? And I paid for that front row seat in the upper deck, pal!”
Ah, but here’s the real beauty of my plan. Can you say, “Thunder in a stick?"
Yes, that’s right. I’m talking noisemakers made of all-beef (byproduct) wrapped around a stick of crusty, day-old bread. Kinda’ like the rolls they used to serve dogs on in Fenway, only harder and not quite as fresh.
Sure, there are a lot of things inside today’s wieners that are best left out of a family publication. No, I don’t mean brainy bits or scraps swept up off the packing house floor. Those bits are ok. I’m talking about all of the nitrates, artificial this, light that chemical crap. But if we all join in and buy two or three a game, the packing companies will eventually run out of some of the leftover scraps and have to start using some of the better cuts, so it’s win-win for everyone.
You can also get some of the meat companies to promote the new Thunder In A Stick®. Companies like Tyson, Armour and Nolan Ryan’s Tender-Aged Beef. Maybe even Hebrew National who could also give away yarmulkes with the team’s logo on them. People already come to the park knowing it’s $20 for a bleacher seat, $10 to park and $6 for a beer. You don’t think more of us won’t show up knowing it’s just another lousy buck for processed meat scraps pressed between yesterday’s bread?!
Besides, you can still slap ‘em together and make some noise, beat the opposing right fielder with ‘em, or set ‘em over near the expensive seats to deflect flying, biting insects away from you.
Let Bud and MLB hear you today: Dollar hot dogs, yes! Free Thundersticks, no!
Last edited by PopTop; 10-29-2002 at 01:51 PM.
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