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imgreat95 · 10-13-2005, 05:57 PM

MLB Promises Next Season Will Be Even More Predictable
October 13, 2005 | Onion Sports

ST. LOUIS—In the midst of a slightly jarring postseason that now features just two of the same four teams that advanced to last year's league championship series, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that the 2006 season will mark a return to the standard old formula that has kept fans complacent with the national pastime for the past several years.

"If you thought 2005 was predictable, we've got even less surprises in store for you in 2006," Selig said at a press conference Wednesday. "You won't have to pay attention at all to know which teams are atop the standings and which players are leading the major statistical categories."

"Lee, Ramirez, Zambrano, Jones, Hernandez," Selig said. "Players with those names alone will account for a combined 247 home runs and a total of 92 wins."

Among other things, Selig promised another 90-loss season for the Detroit Tigers, an ALCS that pits the universally known Yankees versus the universally known Red Sox, and the 15th consecutive NL East division crown for the Atlanta Braves.

"Angels first place, A's second place, Rangers third place, Mariners last place," Selig said. "Sound familiar yet? If not, get used to it, as that will be your AL West for the next 20 or so years."

Selig also guaranteed a return to dominance by left-handed hurler Randy Johnson, who confused and startled longtime fans with his uncharacteristic performance in 2005. "Next year, the Big Unit will be back to his old tricks, striking men out and leading the Yankees to an easy, uncontested division title," Selig said.

Players and owners around the league are supporting the commissioner, saying that baseball is a sport built largely on tradition. "People associate baseball with stability, be it the Yankees' perennial success, Cal Ripken Jr. playing in over 2,000 consecutive games, or the between three and five outstanding catches Jim Edmonds makes each year," said new Tampa Bay Devil Rays owner Stuart Sternberg. "If maintaining the integrity of the game means allowing my team to finish in last place every year until 2012, then it must be done."

Sternberg added that the money he will fail to spend to make his team a contender will perfectly dovetail with the fans' beloved tradition of criticizing greedy owners while pointing out the stark market disparity in baseball.

Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols is pleased to know that he will be producing 30-homer, 100-RBI seasons from now until the foreseeable future. "It takes a lot of pressure off knowing that I'll be putting up MVP-caliber numbers again in 2006," Pujols said.

Selig stressed that the average fan should be able to "wake up from a three-year coma, look at the day's standings, and not notice that anything has changed."

"I don't have time to leaf through box scores or sit through entire games to know what's going on in baseball," said Doug Wentel, a casual Braves fan who takes comfort in knowing that his team will make the playoffs each year, and never builds up expectations of them ever advancing past the first round. "I want to be able to say 'Not looking good for the Cubbies, eh?' or 'How about that Barry Bonds?' at any given point during the season and seem like I know what I'm talking about."

2005 marked a healthy, successful campaign for certain players who have been hampered by injuries in recent years. However, Selig guaranteed that Cliff Floyd will reach his yearly quota of 70 games missed in 2006, and Ken Griffey Jr. will tear a hamstring within the first week of the season. "There is no harbinger of spring quite like the sight of Junior writhing in pain on the outfield grass after a routine play," Selig said.

According to the commissioner, the few surprise breakout rookies will be exactly the ones whose rise to stardom has been long predicted by experts. Sons and siblings of current and former major leaguers, like Stephen Drew, Jared Weaver, Prince Fielder, and Delmon Young, will burst onto the scene in much the same way their blood relations did just years before.

Selig pointed out that at the trading deadline this year, nearly 20 teams had legitimate chances of making the playoffs, significantly reducing the number of big-name salary-dump trades that fans have come to know and expect. "This year, there were so many teams in the running that fans were starting to experience information overload," Selig said. "Next season, we'd like the teams with realistic postseason chances whittled down to a manageable 10 by the All-Star break."

This bodes particularly well for the Yankees, Red Sox, Indians, Angels, A's, Braves, Marlins, Cardinals, Astros, and Padres.

Timberwolf · 10-14-2005, 02:22 AM

The sad part is that it's probably going to be true.

Baseball Guru · 10-14-2005, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timberwolf

The sad part is that it's probably going to be true.

You really think so?

Thedatch · 10-14-2005, 12:35 PM

MLB!!! the new WWE

Rocky01 · 10-14-2005, 04:13 PM

Haha.

Timberwolf · 10-15-2005, 01:19 AM

BG: Yes, I do. You know Atlanta will be a playoff team again next year. I just don't think Florida, Philly, the Mets, and the Nationals will be any better. The NL Central could be interesting, but Stl and Houston is not going anywhere. I could see the Brewers making a run for the division or the wild card. I really love what they did this year as yagsy cited. The NL West is where you can flip a coin, but I think the Padres are the best team in the division based on the talent. AL? Same thing. Boston and NY are playoff teams. Cleveland is going to win the Central. Angels will still be the best team in the West.

I don't see how things will be different next year.

Baseball Guru · 10-15-2005, 05:30 AM

In the East, I agree that the Fish and Phils may not get better, but I think the Mets and Nats will....

Its just hard for me to predict anything before the Winter meetings.. The thing with baseball is that the offseason is the most exciting offseason of any sport and so many changes can happen to make a team a lot better..

The Red Sox have some FA's that could change the look of that team as do the Padres... I just think will FA signings, trades etc that are done in the offseason, you just never know..

Timberwolf · 10-15-2005, 07:36 PM

BG: Mets have been spending money forever. What good did it ever do for them? They will be in the mix, but until they finally beat Atlanta on a consistent basis, they will never win the NL East. Nationals also need to find a way to beat Atlanta consistently. As long as Bobby, Leo, and Johnny Schuerholz is in Atlanta, they will own the NL East.

Which team exactly dominate in the off-season? The only team that have owned the offseason in recent years are Boston and the Yankees. Mets have made moves in the offseason, but it hasn't exactly worked out.

Thedatch · 10-15-2005, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timberwolf

Which team exactly dominate in the off-season? The only team that have owned the offseason in recent years are Boston and the Yankees. Mets have made moves in the offseason, but it hasn't exactly worked out.

the sox have a butt load of free agents (damon, mueller, millar, etc.) whom they will probably not sign. Oh, David Wells wants out too, as does Foulke, although he isn't a free agent. Those are five pretty quality players that could change some teams.

Timberwolf · 10-15-2005, 08:22 PM

Yeah, but those guys are past their prime. Johnny Damon is probably washed up. I don't see how Mueller and Millar is going to make a difference for anyone.

The only prominent free agent that would make a difference is Jeff Kent and I would love Kent to be a Twin next year.

Thedatch · 10-15-2005, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timberwolf

Yeah, but those guys are past their prime. Johnny Damon is probably washed up. I don't see how Mueller and Millar is going to make a difference for anyone.

The only prominent free agent that would make a difference is Jeff Kent and I would love Kent to be a Twin next year.

oh sure, Johnny Damon is SOOOOOOO washed up! I mean, there are tons of better lead off hitters than him in the league

Eva · 10-16-2005, 01:25 AM

I'll wait until winter meetings are over before I make any type of prediction. If you don't remember,

Altanta is going to win, because they're Altanta? I'll wait until and see if Furcal is there next year. Team struggled when Furcal was stinking it up earlier in the year. Clemens is not a shoe in for coming back for Houston next year. St. Louis might lose Morris to FA. Padres aren't the best team in NL West. Despite what we think of Bonds, he makes the entire Giant team so much better when he's healthy. If he's back with full power, the Giants will be a contender again. Dodgers and D-backs are not horrible, so let's see how they do in the FA market.

AL East will be Boston and New York. I just don't see any pitching help out there that will help Toronto, Baltimore and Tampa get much better. They either need some players in the organization to step up or get lucky with one of these FA. Burnett the highest rank FA pitcher and we know that's not saying much. I won't sell the Twins, White Sox or Indians out. If both teams improve this off-season, both should be in struggle for the title next year. Indians need to be concern in re-signing Bob Wickman while the White Sox have their own FA to worry about. Twins should let Jones walk, no big deal looking at his numbers. Unless Hunter wants out completely, Twins should be a force next year if they improve their offense this off-season. AL West will be Oakland and Anaheim. Seattle is slowly improving, but not there yet and Texas still has no pitching.

Baseball Guru · 10-16-2005, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timberwolf

Johnny Damon is probably washed up.

The only prominent free agent that would make a difference is Jeff Kent and I would love Kent to be a Twin next year.

Thats an interesting thought that Damon is washed up, seeing how he just hit for his 2nd highest average ever this past season and is only 32 years old...

Code:

Avg HR RBI Runs SB 
.316 10 75 117 18

Those #'s look good to me...

Kent is the only prominent FA?

I dont know about you, but I would mind guys like Furcal, Damon, Wickman, Konerko, Carlos Lee, Billy Wagner, Hoffman, Brian Giles, Eddie Guardado, Jason Schmidt, or Preston Wilson on my team...

Timberwolf · 10-18-2005, 05:38 AM

BG: Those guys ain't coming to Minnesota. That's a pipe dream. I feel the Twins are going to have to target Kent, Bradley, and Doug Mientkiewicz. Get those three guys and I am sold on the Twins. As for Damon, I think he is using steroids. Jose Canseco and Damon's ex-wife has both verified it so I will believe it which is why I think he is washed up.

Eva: Right now, I don't see the Twins in the same stratosphere in Cleveland, Chicago, Detroit, and even Kansas City. Sure they have that great pitching, but with that horrible offense, I don't see them getting to .500. If they add Bradley, Kent, and Mientkiewicz, then I become sold.

imgreat95 · 10-18-2005, 12:25 PM

is there anyone in MLB who you DONT think is using steroids?? My goodness, man. You throw accusations around like they are nothing. Those are pretty serious allegations you make every single damn day on this board.